I Have Seen The Error Of My Ways And Am Deeply Sorry (The Dying Logs Day 4)

It has finally occurred to me how stupid and hurtful I’ve been.

I feel slighted and I push back hard. I even thought this was a good thing – that I was standing up for myself.

So many things have clicked. So many things I once thought were true are not.

One important thing is forgiveness. I realize now it’s power.

More importantly, I realize that people are humans and I can’t expect them to act like I think and understand where I’m coming from.

So much of anger I’ve expressed has been hurt and really I realized all I wanted was to be heard. And that made things about me when I wasn’t the victim which is also wrong.

Instead of looking at an event, I now wish to look at the full person and what they’ve done that is incredible whether that’s being a mother, etc. In other words I add context and this compassion overcomes my anger.

I am very sorry for spazzing out. I am so sorry for hurting you. I pray for reconciliation. I pray you see my soul. This is not a phase. This is my new life, the new me. I am reborn and I will showcase that everyday.

I have become a Christian. The struggle with it is over. It hit me when I was at my lowest and when I did open a bible finally I truly understood.

I know understand what family means and what being a husband means. I want it to be hard. I should be hard. You sacrifice things like pride and narcissism and slows show both caring and strength. That is hard if you’re not used to it but it becomes the most satisfying thing in the world and translates over to children.

How could I get so angry at my spouse, her family, or my family. God life is too short and they are all too special and what we have in this world. God I’m such a fool.

I am sickened at things in particular that was done on drugs that severely altered my behavior.

I will never take a drug ever again including steroids (except my benzo taper). I don’t need any of them. I hate them. I thought I was using them to cope with my pain and eventually they caused pain and embarrassment. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I’ve been going through deep contemplation, I have been for over a month now. Praying and asking God to come to me and he has and now I feel like myself and a man for the first time in years.

Thank you God for helping to lift me up. For helping me to beat immaturity, grow wiser, figure out what’s really important, put others before me like a man should.

And thank you God for realizing I should be sorry and that sometimes sorry is the strongest word.

I was wrong and I’m sorry.
life is so short and potentially powerful if done properly and I now realize at times I’ve been working for the devil, spitting at life.

I am so determined to show my true heart. Never again will I work for evil. I didn’t understand what I was doing or for certain behavior had excuses in my head or simply did because I was hating my situation in life so much and it gave me some relief. No relief now. I feel everything I’ve ever done wrong and repent and ask God to help me never do it again.

I am strong and when I realize things with such clearness I know I won’t waver.

We all suffer. I should never make the suffering worse. What is the point in that? Cause I’m “standing up for myself”. No, I wasn’t. I realize people are human and I wasn’t helping myself just adding hurt.

Looking back is a bitch ain’t it?

There is so much I wish I knew, so much I desperately want changed.

I want healing for all. I want to be a pure person and I am working on learning this every day.

It’s time to be better.

I hope everyone hears my apology and that it’s truly from the heart.

To all my family I love you all and thank you for what you’ve done. I will never never disrespect you again. I will do anything to make it right.

And to everyone else remember there is freedom from things like drugs, porn, pride, casual sex, past sin, etc etc.

There is so many ways to choose evil instead of good and this world is so confusing.

But we will learn and God will steer us towards righteousness and clarity. Never forget you have a soul and everything you do affects someone else – makes the world better or worse even when you don’t see it.

Much love. And I wish this was better written.