Benzos and Fear of Death (The Dying Logs Day 3)

Video interpreted by timer and not enough space to upload to iMovie. So here is the small end to the video.

For about 6 months I’ve been on benzos.

It started with running steroids for months. The first round, I was very careful to not get hooked on benzos.

However the 2nd time I just said fuck it. And I’m trying to cuss left but hey right now with all this insanity it just comes out and I’m not going to censor.

Then, when a certain event happened thst hurt me greatly I just continued. Then I proceeded to continue because I had a serious fear or dying. My chronic uti doctor failed me and I didn’t see any possibility of suffering greatly then eventually dying. Every treatment had been tried and failed.

Then when things stabilized and the phage became viable I tried to taper off and was making progress but it takes months.

Benxos literally give you withdrawal with 2 weeks of daily use. You get up to months of a high dose and you quit cold turkey you can damage your brain and even die. It’s not like opiates.

Worst withdrawal by far. Hallucinations, worst feeling I’ve ever felt indescribable really. You’ve got to taper.

I witnessed the most catastrophic horrifying saddening tragic event. Couldn’t sleep for over a month and this is one me literally doubling my dose. I honestly don’t even know how that was possible.

To make things clear, I take full responsibility. There’s no excuse. It was weakness and I deeply regret it. But I’ve learned from my mistakes. I still have fear of death but I don’t care. When I go I go whether that’s 70 or tomorrow. All men must face this fact and weirdo disease is no damn excuse.

That being said, in my weakness the motive for taking the benzos was to numb out a life I mostly found horrible and to numb out that constant fear of death flowing through my mind and as mentioned originally to deal with some of the horrendous steroid symptoms.

There’s no euphoria, desire to socialize, nothing more than the numbness and a slight boost in mood. All these drugs do, for me at least – there are some that her high it seems from internet research and such – is take away not add.

That being said they are oddly addicting. To just get a pill and everything feels a bit more alright in a trash situation… man it was hard to stop especially once I reached a point of needing to slowly taper.

But hey alls we’ll that ends well. I halved my dose and halved it again and I will slowly taper with a doctors prescription, so I don’t have potential brain damage. I’m disappointed I did become addicted and I’m extremely disappointed with the uncharacteristic behaviors that was a product of my addiction. I am sorry for anyone I hurt. I truly thought I was helping myself in a way by treating this extreme anxiety and PTSD but quickly it ended up killing my inhibition and doing shit things that affected others.

All I can do is say sorry again and ask God for forgiveness. I was in over my head before them and they made things so much worse eventually for everyone. Every choice I makes doesn’t just affect me and I hate myself for failing to realize this repeatedly. Finally, it’s stuck in my head firmly and finally I will be drug free. And finally I will be Jake again.