I hardly feel human sometimes. Like I’m a deadbeat or degenerate. And I feel horrible every day. Pain severe anxiety and other withdrawl symptoms.

But I’m making progress, monthly not daily. This is often the grind of entrepreneurship so getting through this predates getting back into business.

Gotta keep our heads up. Screw this disease and benzo withdrawal. But thank God I go through it all the same.

Today was a waste. Couldn’t do much of anything. Felt like it passed by and I hardly had a thought. I fell asleep early afternoon just like yesterday. All I did was go for a walk, brief shopping, and 4 hours of educational podcasts.

I am determined to hold on to the gifts provided by past generations. I’ve decided to make morality the backbone of my life over dreams as I’m now convinced that is the human condition.

The more I learn about the Bible, the more I understand just how harsh life should be. I want to sacrifice in order to serve God.

Give me time.

I still have a long long way to go, hence why I’m staying in the “dying” section of the logs, but I am truly blessed.

The logs will cover two things as usual – my current state of health and any updates and a loose topic.

Today, I covered the frustration of having an illiostomy, the numbing effect of tapering from benzodiazepines, and double think.

I think I’ll try to clarify what I discuss in the videos here in the blog post. I often find myself frustrated that I didn’t articulate things properly.

I will also add that healthwise, my dumnass insurance isn’t covering illiostomy products and that’s really rubbing salt in the wound. But, hey man, I have certainly had to deal with worse.

In regards to doublethink, my more general point is that you should know oneself. Perhaps people find it annoying when I discuss my own proclivities but I can tell you that it’s vital to thriving in this life. And maybe it will even save you from dying.

See what I did there?

I miss blogs man. It’s a shame there isn’t really much money in it anymore. I can tell you exactly why, but that’s another topic.

Everyone needs to contemplate the 3 classic dystopian novels and ponder them deeply.

Farenheight is important because it adds to the picture of the other 2. Basically everyone is triggered and selfish and thus society cannot exist. That’s the main point. I wish I could tell it better.

As for the other two, that’s a 4 hour discussion. I hope I can have that once I re-read the other 2 though I have such an insane amount of reading gaps to fill in before I re-read anything.

I am in a bad state.

It will take time to lift.

I’m taking a break.

I have faith in myself, my family, and God.

I will fight and I will win. I know there is a deeper purpose.

Much love.

Spent the whole night with severe restless wakes and my body waking me up repeatedly along with intense full body itching.

Wake up so groggy and cognitively impaired. So tired but can’t stop pacing.

Whenever I dream how and something seems off I often see my brain correcting things and thus often the bad dream dissipates. Perhaps an analogy for when unpleasant thoughts reach the brain – one of hope.

Laughter is a chronic condition for the chronically depressed.

My legs are running and jerking all the time.

Rashes still appear randomly more like streaks of red.

I sit back and let it all sink in.

How could I have came so far and gotten nowhere at all?

Or, have I gotten farther than I could ever imagine? And I imagine further still.

I cover the reaction in the video.

More broadly, I am a man (starting) on a mission. When I wake up I pray, listen to a book from The Iliad as I drink a mixture of nootropic mushrooms (I am paying attention to see if this affects inflammation), then write for at least an hour and do a video.

Then I go out in the sun for 20 minutes and come back to read. Generally past the mornings I just alternate between sitting and standing purposely trying to distract myself from the dsyporia and racing anxiety.

I am still trying to figure what I can take during these benzo and opoid withdrawals and general sickness. As long as I’m gradually going upwards (or staying the same during a cut in benzo dose) I consider that success.

I am happy as it seems in just two days my inflammation has trended downwards and my ears are better.

Very surprising considering the ear issue has been intense and going on for almost 2 weeks now.

However, I am saddened by how far I have to go. The intensity of emotions from cutting the benzo alone is going to be an experience.

And going through my email doesn’t help. I’ve been hoping that I can do low intensity work but even in the last year that’s out the window. Great for my chief income source when I’m better but I’m currently thinking hard about how I can make decent money while my brain is so trash.

I am optimistic however and genuinely grateful for a challenge that in many ways is an amalgam of the challenges I’ve faced healthwise throughout my life. Pertaintly, I know what to do to beat these symptoms 20 damn minutes at a time.

I am grateful for all of my blessings and frustrated with these significant issues. Can’t imagine feeling like much of a human for about 6 months and that’s assuming some luck.

End of the day, I know I’ll be stronger. Iron is the goal.

My inflammation is still incredibly high but that’s to be expected. I at least hope by the end of next week I have improvement.

But my earlobes are both so inflamed that the pain runs down my jaw. I’m not even sure if they’re infected. I’ve never seen it quite like this before.

Diarrhea still but that seems to be improving a little bit every day – already far better than what the phage triggered.

Frustrating and a bit nerve wracking as I’m in the danger zone for things like fistulas and fissured which are complex, terrible, and long lasting.

Hardly getting any sleep as expected considering both withdrawals and I expect it to only worsen next week as I make another benzo cut.

Doing a tiny bit better energy wise so I’m hoping in a couple of days I’ll be able to hit the ground running and do basic things like write, walk, read, and generally push myself to get some semblance of motivation.

Tedious, frustrating, hard to believe even – welcome to the life of the chronically ill.

The second I get any vitality I go with it and every day I fight an invisible enemy – even if the the fight is just making it through a day in bed absolutely exhausted and in significant pain.

My loved ones (mostly) understand and believe in me and I have God. I will get out of the dying logs. Stare into the abysses and there will be light.

First you’re locked in this incredible place that has no problems whatsoever and definitely isn’t dangerous filled to the brim with stupidity and propaganda and is designed to make you into a follower, a worker bee.

Then you play sports, you’re only outlet for insane sexual urges (if you’re smart). Way better than school but developing the discipline to play at a high level is painful and time consuming.

You learn how puerile the game of life is and carry on always at least mildly depressed.

You have great times too and that shows what socializing with people you can relate to can do…. turn something inherently monotonous, grey, and demeaning into truly amazing memories.

Then you’re out of grade school and for about 2-3 years you feel like a bolt of light with all the freedom and the glow of new vices like sex and alcohol.

But during these years you pace and you pace as you see the path laid out before you and that path is one of conformity at best immorality towards bigger boy vices like money and the hegemonic weight of nihilism bred into your every core especially if you go to college and even if you don’t.

Most people I speak to that are thinkers were highly depressed in there youth and I’m no exception despite having great friends, free college with very pretty girls, and being always towards the top of my class while hardly studying.

I was already burning up – though slightly comforted by a successful freelance writing career and multiple side sources of passive income – and then the severe Crohns hit so hard I couldn’t stand.

Then life became performance art and that’s another story.

The good memories are ingrained but I forced myself to also ingrain the downs. Didn’t want to be like the Middle aged people obsessing about then”good old days.”

My life will only get better and better but it takes discipline and foresight. And the same can be said for yours my friend.

There is beauty in this word that comes from both simplicity and depth.

Purity lends to beauty even in the harshest times.

Beauty itself is a metaphysical concept and essential.

Without it, the color we take for granted, it’s hard to conceive of existence at all.

I appreciate beauty wherever I see it and I try to seek it out.

Oh yeah and that thing called love, pretty much inexplicably linked with beauty, deep beauty, truly in the eye of the beholder.

Accepting things is the exact opposite of my personality.

Particular things I disagree with morally.

But of course within the common theme of this blog… the wasted fucking time.

Women tend to be able to accept things more and that’d great. It’s necessary balance.

I’m always spazzing trying to obsess over everything and that’s good but when it goes too far or when melancholy hits due to limitations,an good partner that is more released about what presents externally so long as moral choices are correct is truly beautiful.

I will learn to accept certain things if I have to but man do I have strive for higher in every way, purity, riches, health, etc. I can accept nothing less than greatness unless I am ineffably licked which – if you noticed many man would think that not only now but perhaps years before the present.

Pain was doing much better but had bad burning towards the end of yesterday.

Woke up with no pain. Hoping this will continue and not be a repeat of last night yesterday.

Feeling a little more positive but damn is it hard with this dragging on. Frustrating. Thought this phage would be miraculous and maybe it is but I had no idea it would trigger up my Crohns and I very much didn’t expect this intense bladder pain.

I love the record Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers. It’s very complex and a long conversation may be due for another day.

The biggest takeaway here is Kendrick Lamar’s Christianity but more importantly his questioning Christianity.

We get naturalism, Jungian lines about Putin, gender dystopia acceptance, the vice of lust, eradication of a nearly pristine image, therapy, Eckhart Tolle, Kodak Black representing a power within Kendrick itself, and a bonus track tackling the concept of differing perspectives of (sometimes flawed) famous individuals.

Self awareness too. Truly a rare thing – let alone for celebrities who are often underdeveloped.

This record speaks to me as a Christian that while less open minded than Kendrick I can still feel the pulsating human, fallen aspects of myself.

All in all, though this questioning eventually leads to the same place. A search for purity and thus structure starts and then nobility and so on.

But it will always be confusing. Keep the faith as you are not blind but finally seeing.

Pain very much varies in perception based on its level.

Once it becomes tormenting, either treat it or suffer consequences worse than then opioids.

Orwell said there is nothing to true pain and that’s mostly true.

It weakens rather than strengthens. Lower levels of pain (moderate or lower) can be pushed through without treatment. Probably the right idea.

I’ve been through enough pain to take anything our of it but frustration and an attempt at stoicism I can only hold for so long (though I’m working on that).

The shock is already wearing off and I’m less depressed though I still fear UTI and fistula from my very active Crohns.